When we move into a bigger house. When we move to Cape Town. When I’m next pregnant. When I get married. When ‘the two of us’ becomes ‘the three of us’ and hopefully ‘the four of us’. When I’m older. When she’s older. When when when!
I admit that I am guilty of having these thoughts. Of living in a future I know nothing about. A future that is not guaranteed for any of us. Maybe we will move to Cape Town, and maybe we won’t. Maybe I will get married and have more children, and maybe I won’t. But that is not what’s important; the possible future that lies ahead of us all is not what is important. I only recently made the realisation that I was doing this, and it hit me like a tonne of bricks, smack bang in the face, and made me question and reevaluate my mama self.
At least mentally, I was consumed with what lay ahead, where my life path was leading me, constantly living a life in my future. I kept thinking about how Bella and I will do yoga on the beach when we move to Cape Town, how I will handle things differently when I have my next baby, how I will deal with a step-dad in Bella’s life when I get married. I was putting myself under so much pressure to reach the final goal, that I was missing the entire first-half of the game.
I immediately crawled into bed with my sleeping Bella and just took it all in. The way she curled and cuddled into my neck, like she used to as a new-born. The smell of her damp hair after her bath earlier that evening. The little freckle on her finger and the new freckles forming on her cheeks. The sound of her heavy breathing, the occasional sighs and the little smile she sporadically gets in her sleep. Her long eye-lashes, her perfect pout, her button nose. I breathed it all in, breathed her in, in that moment, in the present.
And then I got up and decided to wake up. I was living the dream already! I didn’t need to be in Cape Town to do yoga, so I enrolled us into yoga at a Buddhist center and booked us into Yoga in the Park. And I didn’t need to wait until our family grows; the two of us are a family now.
I am in the midst of creating a life for my child, and I need to teach her that what we have is enough, that she is enough, and that I believe that I am enough. To live a life constantly seeking something or someone else is not to be fulfilled, and it is not teaching my daughter to be happy within herself. We Mamas have to pave the way, show our sons and daughters that happiness lies within. No other person or thing should be the key to being content; we ourselves must learn that we are in charge of our own happiness.
To be happy in the present moment, that is my current daily reminder. To live and love this life in every second, to appreciate my daughter in every moment and to value the importance of now.